Just A Diabetic

1am Again

2005-08-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Wide Awake

I ended up a zombie today. I took that 5-HTP in the am. Lee came over tonight and she convienced me to take a 10mg tab of Paxil. We drank a glass of wine, went out for sushi drank saki and then shopped for outfits. It was a breath of air I needed. The down side is I'm wide fucking wake. Husband and kids are sawing logs.

I'm not going to beat my self up for the backslidding. In fact, I didn't enjoy the wine or saki much. Now the sushi was fab. Wasabi - yum. I could be Japanese. Redhead freckles and pale skin in Japan - would I stand out? I guess I did get some Omega fish oil in my veins tonight. I'm so not ready for this withdrawl process. I read this paxil board and it's so scary to read these peoples posts - they're terrifying.

My BS are so so. Off to test. oh well, 247. Tested three times today. Had a 65 this afternoon and didn't feel it. Off to lurk on the boards.

Onward Ho

2005-08-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Goals For The next 19 days

1. Taper paxil 20mg to 10mg X
2. Vitamins
3. Test BS X
4. Blog results X
5. Visit Primary care
6. Cut out caffeine
7. Limit alcohol X
8. Only 1 cig - only if necessary per day X
9. Support other diabetics X
10. Stay active X

Well those are my goals.....

Didn't take Paxil tonight. Last night took 100 mg HTP - 5. WOW didn't fall asleep until 3:30am!!! That's after Valerian tea. That shit usually kicks my ass asleep. I took the 10mg. Tomorrow I will take in the AM!! I also took Noni Juice. That stuff is gross! It's not the pure thing so I might not continue the juice.

I hosted my dice group tonight. Thank godness I had Rebecca clean today. I was soooo tired when she rang at 9am. All we had to do was shop. Drinks, flowers etc. I didn't drink any wine. Completed one unbelievable goal. It was funny to be sober and see my friends get loaded. Very comical. I told a few about my weaning. They had even heard it is an EVIL drug. I missed my doctors apt. will reschedule tomorrow. I was active today. First time on computer and it's 1am. I did drink a bunch of diet splenda tea. Too much caffiene?? I tested BS good except for am. Strange high readings. Will work on numbers once weaned & taking more vitamins. Did smoke only 1 cig. Didn't enjoy it at all. Last in the pack. Hopefully that's the last one....said that many times before. Will look at boards then try sleeping......until tomorrow

New Day

2005-08-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

Getting Better

OK the RN in me is coming out....

My Health Plan --

Hx:

* March 2001 Began Paxil
Mild Depression. Social Anxiety. Compulsive thinking. At that point I had a 3 and 5 year old. Worked 24 hours on the weekends in a high stress environment. Recently moved into a old house with major problems. Moved away from social group. No wonder I needed help!!

* April 2001 Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes

This was a complete shock. Major life change to say the least. Antibody testing not done. C-Peptide revealed low level but not abnormal level. Took several MD's until therapy was suitable. Endocrinologist was by far the best choice. Continued with Paxil (Coincidence with Diabetes?) The PDR does state that diabetes is the #1 Side effect with the Endocrine System.

* August 2003 Began using an Insulin Pump

Freedom. Using Novalog - fast acting insulin. No more MDI. Too much freedom. Stopped testing BS as regularly. Ended up in DKA once. Nausea/vomiting. Never want that to happen again. Felt terrible. My kids were so scared. Not a good Mom that day.

* August 2005 - Today

Two years on the pump. Moved again six months ago. New schools for the kids. Both kids negative for antibodies. Daughter has ADD & going to special private school. Husband still doesn't want me to go back to work. Relationship up and down with him. I realize I need his support and he's a good person. I do get frustrated and bored with him. Time to concentrate on getting health. Me Time.

Goals For The next 20 days

Taper paxil 20mg to 10mg
Vitamins
Test BS
Blog results
Visit Primary care
Cut out caffeine
Limit alcohol
Only 1 cig - only if necessary per day
Support others
Stay active

New Found

2005-08-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

Vent from a Diabetic

I've been to AA - didn't fit me. I'm not like Bill W. I'm do not fit into a little box of commons. I am complex. I used to say Hi My name is blank & I'm an Alcoholic - perhaps true but better served would be Hi My name is blank and I'm a Diabetic

I need salvation. A call to my inner soul. My attempts have always been half assed. Scared and alone I feel. My diabetes is sh##.sh##.sh##. I've been stuck in anger for sooooo long. Too much drinking and self sabotage. I'm a mess but with nothing to turn to.

Don't tell my family, don't tell my friends, I want to run. Little fingers keep me here. Sweet voices call me Mommy. Don't Tell Don't Tell - They think I'm strong - They need me strong. I may not cry. I may not be weak - it is not allowed - ever.

My soul is broken long before my body. Why?

I see & hear people with broken bodies and self resolve - resilience. Where's mine?

I loath sayings and motivational jargon. I'm not into therapy - how can another fix a another? That has always baffled me. God? Is he here? I see others with horrible lives and is God there for them? Perhaps, there is a secret. A lock to my soul?

I need a truth. A real truth. A look from the outside in.

Safety is here - Thanks